Isobel Gardler (b. 02/10/2008)

It will soon be my daughters anniversary.  It has been a very hard year. Ross and I were so happy when we found out I was pregnant again. We were very excited that our son was going to have a brother or sister at last.  Her birth was to be such a happy day full of joy and celebration.

Sadly on the 29th of September at a routine check with my midwife she could not find a heartbeat for our baby. Hoping all would be well they sent me to the local hospital for a scan. It seemed a very long drive and all the lights were on red.  It was hard to appear fine to my son who was with me, he was just 3 years old. After waiting what felt like a long time at the hospital ultrasound unit surrounded by smiling pregnant mothers they led me into the room where the scan was to be done. The baby was there on the screen but motionless and she had no heartbeat. I felt like I was falling.

I rang Ross at work with the sad news so he could come to the hospital. All I could say was I was really sorry but that the baby had no heartbeat.  I was crying so much but trying not to as my son didn’t understand what was happening and I didn’t want to scare him.

I was induced a few days later and gave birth to a beautiful and perfect baby girl.  Ross and I told her we loved her and I cried so very much. She had my ears and Ross’ very straight fingers, she was so very tiny.  The midwife left her with us in the SANDS room over night. I had to have a minor operation the next day so we said our goodbyes to Isobel just before I had to go into theatre. Ross came with me and held my hand the whole time. I don’t think  I could have coped without his amazing support then or over the last year.

The midwives were very kind and treated Isobel very gently. We were given photos, footprints and information on support groups such as SANDS (Stillbirth and Neonatal Death Society).  It was hard after giving birth to go through the options for Isobels post mortem but I am glad we did try and find out all we could.

Later we had the funeral where Ross carried Isobels coffin down the aisle which was comforting. I had never seen such a tiny coffin. The service was specially designed for Isobel by Ross and I.  The hospital chaplain was extremely helpful with organising everything from candles to the order of service. Ross and our son blew out a candle at the end of the service when we said goodbye again to Isobel.

After a very long wait the post mortem results had been prepared and we were to see a consultant who was to explain them. I hoped for some kind of answer that would make it  easier to accept.  She had looked so perfect I was not sure what the result would be.

After waiting a long time for the consultant we were eventually shown into a room. The consultant was busy seeing some one else.  We saw a very kind and sincere lady registrar who knew nothing about our history and had not been given time to  read the post mortem results.  It was hard to accept but the results said that our baby was totally normal and there was no indicators as to why her heartbeat had stopped. I had so many blood tests but nothing was irregular.

It is nearly a year now and I am hoping to mark the 1st anniversary of her birth with something very special for such a beautiful and loved baby.

Tags: grief, memorial, SANDS, stillbirth